Here we go again...

Ugh. You're back!
Really? I was having so much distracted bliss without you!
Please get out!
We are not meant to be. I like me better without you!
It is not cold under this fleece blanket in 34c Palestine!
No the wind is not stirring up a hurricane... That is called a breeze!
Maahla... They all cry... I cry from the pain this beautiful breeze inflicts.
I can think of lots of nicer things.
I will choose.
Reality... It is not painful... Even if it feels that way....relax... Breath.. Relax... Exhale...loosen....ooohm.... Whatever it takes.... Meds? Don't want them!!
Don't want this road.
Movie with the kids? No way. Swimming...ill try but too much pain and soo cold!
Fun. Create fun and try not to focus on the pain.
I look ok... I'm NOT ok!
It will pass.
It will pass?
It WILL pass !
Please Go away!
I am not pain!
I am not Lyme!
You won't define me!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Why is this happening and what does it mean? I am getting electricuted every hour or so as I am walking. I am gripped by pain for about thirty seconds and then it dissipates...what could be causing it? Google says you or MS....uggh...I feel so crawly everywhere...I do not want to take any more antibiotics! How can I help myself without drugs? Blah

So your back huh? I can't say as I've missed you! Please go away and leave me alone! I am not strong enough to endure you again! I want to be free of this torture. I want off this Merry go round. I can't stand bracing for the fall anymore! I don't want to feel I am clinging to the edge with one hand anymore! I will defeat you I will overpower you. I will not be a victim to you raveging my body anymore! I need peace! I need to feel centered I need to walk and not bump into everything I need to stand at my sink and wash my dishes and get out of my bed and find the beauty in my children! I need to be able to focus and speak without effort and pain! I will not let you defeat me! I will take control of this and I will set myself free! GO AWAY!!

So, after being off the Rocephin for ten days, my levels finally returned to the normal range. I developed a horrible skin rash and blisters under the dressing for my picc line. The nurses finally resorted to using Betadine and leaving it open with no dressing but guaze. It is finally getting tolerable after a total of 15 days. It is so weird how itching can drive you to derangement, I have nearly ripped it out of my own arm several times now just to try and alleviate the mental anguish caused by the desire to scratch til I bleed. So, I started IV Doxycyclene a week ago. It is a much less easily tolerated medication. (But thank heavens no major burning itching) So far I have had extreme nausea every day accompanied by a major headache, achy joints and just general flu like symptoms. I am still getting a slight temperature in the evenings. A weird side effect that I'm not sure is from the meds or what, is a huge discomfort in my bladder. Every time I pee it is an emergency, seems I am no longer able to hold it. :) The first couple of days it was like oh my gosh I have to pee every 30 seconds literally. It burned to pee. I had a culture done for a UTI but so far it has grown nothing. I am able to wait longer in between trips to the toitey but still it is very urgent when I do. I am wondering if this could be yeast related. I know the candida has taken over my body. It is so hard to know if this is all worth it. I want to get rid of Lyme the thought of the little Burgdorferi swimming through my orafices is definitely a motivating factor, not to mention all the crappy side affects that come along with Lyme. Most days though, I find myself asking.... Is this worth it? I swear I was healthier with Lyme. (and I was truthfully) My only hope is that at the end of this the Lyme will be eradicated and I will have health and vitality. I realize that I need to lean on the priesthood more. I have to exercise faith that this will heal me my body needs as much help as it can get. I know the Savior has experienced the same things I am going through and that he knows how I feel. I have to give it over to him and rely on him to comfort me.

uncurable burning itchy crawling

So I took Rocephin for four weeks. Each time I administered the meds I endured a horrible burning sensation crawling throughout my body. I also had a shaky sick feeling that led me to desire to get out of my own body. It was torture. For a week it got so bad that I could no longer sleep. I was averaging 1.5 hours sleep a night. Finally the time to check my levels came. FREEDOM.... My body stopped producing Bone Marrow, I would say some time during the torturous sleepless week. My WBC was almost non existent. I was told to expect to have to have a transfusion and to discontinue meds IMMEDIATELY! While I was freaked as can be I was so thrilled to stop the Rocephin I wanted to have a party. Luckily it was my moms birthday so we kinda partied. I looked like something out of a sci-fi movie with my mask and blanket at the movie theater watching Twilight. I stayed off all meds for ten days.

FEVER......

1 'O CLOCK DAILY
Every day right after one I start to feel cold to the core. My legs start to get chills going up and down them and then it spreads to the rest of me. I start to feel so different from the morning temperature wise that I am certain something is wrong. So, I take my temperature. every afternoon it starts at 99. something or other... So I freeze for an hour or so and then it gets up over a 100 usually 100.3 and then I start feeling hot and yucky and am feverish til around 6 when it breaks. I don't know if this is the Lyme or if I have the flu or what the heck to blame it on but I know it's 1:22 now and I am freezing and freezing HURTS so baaaad.

I used to "NO" how to spell

Spelling and grammar have always been a big deal in my family to the point that we verge on being obnoxious in our correcting everyone, including strangers. I remember being horrified when in fifth grade we were told to trade our creative writing stories with a partner. Jared Burkman (the golden boy of Lincoln Elementary) ended up with my story. I was mortified when he loudly pointed out with a finger pointed directly at me, that I had been spelling butt with only one t = but. I was so shocked that I disagreed with him vehemently in front of the whole class. I have no other memories of ever mispelling a word in my life.... Alas the little bugs in my brain have left me unable to spell. I am blessed that I still catch myself most of the time when I write their instead of there or were instead of where etc. Recently I have started writing totally random letters in the wrong place, ie, h instead of d etc. It is super frustrating when your body won't do what your brain tells it too (I'm gonna leave this spelled wrong as an example of the insanity, I just went back to read over this and found this common error I make twenty two times a day) but even more frustrating is a brain that has its own ideas! I am so looking forward to having my brain back....